on Sunday, February 21, 2010 , 9:39 PM
U know, i just realised something. Yesterday, during the 5km run, while I was running, there was this point of time whereby I really felt like giving up, like i cannot run anymore oredi. I know 5km is nothing for alot of people. But to me, it is the most honourable distance I've ran in a day! HAHA! So anyway, during that moment, I told myself that I had to continue. The people behind me would slow down if i slowed down, as it is that the people behind were not allowed to cut you. I took in deep DEEP breaths and suddenly flash backs started coming in. Funny, they were all debate flash backs.

I suddenly remembered during our 2nd prelim round. We made it through. But i rmbed feeling totall shitty. It was the round I debated, 1st speaker. And i screwed it up by going too fast and not stopping when the time was up. I rmbed Amanda's face. And the way her eyes looked at me saying, "see this is wad u are supposed to do!" as soon as Shawn spoke his piece. That moment pierced my heart really really hard. Once that round was over, the judges spoke and we were through! All Jurong-ians were screaming and I just sat and smiled. I was really happy we made it through, yet the feeling of failing to do something right, especially something that you've loved so much, didn't quite sink in well. I wanted to cry that day i rmb. But there were just too many people infront me. I also rmbed Amanda hugging me that day and saying that I did good but she was just disappointed at that part of my speech, Mrs Aidil must've definitely said something about wad happened on the day of Sports Day -.- But its ok, I love the both of them :) I also rmb when everything ended and we waved Amanda goodbye and her last gaze, fell on me. And when we were climbing down the stairs to the bus, Shawn was climbing down beside me, looking at my face, not speaking a word. When I noticed his presence beside me, I looked up at him, frowning and asking wad. Haha, sry dude. And then his expression had the most worried look on earth! I think my eyes could've oredi gotten teary at that moment. I was controlling really really hard. Seeing that, Shawn was like, are u ok? U did well u noe. Ur reply speech was very good! I was like, "No, both my speeches sucked. Screwed. I sucked" He was like, "No, it didn't! Everyone was saying ur reply speech was good." And then I was quite, didn't know wad to say because I knew that if I opened my mouth to talk, tears would be rollling down my cheeks any sooner. Soon after, Shawn was like "If u were a guy, I wld've hugged you and if i were a girl, I wld've hugged you" And i started laughing. That was the moment I teared but wiped it away soon after so that no one would notice. And then my flash back moved to the preparation for debate finals. I rmbed Anj and I had to go out of the room so that the rest could decide who to place as the the 2nd speaker for the finals. And after wad seemed like ages, Amanda finally came out and told us the results and as I expected, I was not speaking but somehow, after the countless rounds of "Anjelica, u're speaking this round" (indirectly saying that I was nothing but just the reserve) that rejection didn't seem so huge to me. I felt nothing but numb-ness. And now, feeling sick about doing debate again is nothing but the fear of being bad at it, AGAIN.

And then I stopped and realised that hey why am i being so selfish? Why am i only thinking abt myself? And then I started thinking about the day of debate finals. Anj's rebuttals couldn't be opened. Shawn's scripts hadn't been printed. All their scripts hadn't been cut out and pasted properly in their notebooks. Mrs Aidil was busy with speech day the next day as well but settled those quickly and came to attend to us. We were all gathered in the lib around a computer, starring hard at a stupid machine that failed to work at an important time like that. Anjelica was panicking. Seeing that, Mrs Aidil panicked alot too. Durga was really quiet in all those stress. Shawn wasn't there at that moment. Then it rushed down to a point whereby Anj had to rush home to get her rebuttals again so that Mrs Aidil could print them. I rmb Anj was about to run out and I stopped them and said why dun Anj use Shawn's rebuttals instead since they are both 1st and 2nd speakers and they dun need such elaborated rebuttals unlike Durga's speech. And everyone went, "Oh ya!" Anj was still at a super panicky state maybe unsure if that would work out because Shawn's usage of language was different from hers. But we had to give it a go and we did. Once everything was settled, we moved into the little room in the lib and started cutting and pasting papers frantically. Mrs Aidil came in once in a while to check on how we were doing. I also rmb she said something like "Well we gotta overcome all these difficulties before we win". Haha. So anyway, everything was done and we left to JJC shortly. No one had eaten yet. None had the appetite. And so the debate started. Once everything was over, I somehow had this feeling that we weren't gonna win that round. It wasn't because the opposition party's speakers were better. Bullshit. JSS speakers were way WAY better! But i guess in all those stress, everyone's mind had been too filled and they either left out some rebuttals or rebutted a bit too much.

Its really not easy going up there to talk infront of so many people. Worst off, structuring the rebuttals properly in that sort time in the midst of fighting the nerves, it really isn't easy. But looking at the LOOOONG memory lane that we have walked tgt, apart from the laughters we shared, the moments we encouraged Shawn and went so mushy saying Shawn we love u because of something that happened, the moment we girls were so supportive of Anj when Shawn was being such a meanie during the Semis, the fact that we overcame all of those difficuties and succeeded in gaining a good reputation in Jurong, was the proudest moment for us :) All in all, the bond that we shared despite several ups and downs at the beginning. I realised that there'll be no other teams I belong to other than Jurong's ELDDS' debate team. No other team. It isn't about how we performed individually, it isn't about who is very good or bad but it was about the love and passion for debate, the compassion for one another and all in all, the mental strength and drive to overcome a competition as big as this one. We did it! A 2nd from nothing at all. Amongst the top 20 speakers, Shawn and Durga obtaining the 8th and 13th places respectively. These numbers: 2, 8 and 13 would be going down in Jurong ELDDS' history for a long LONG time. I AM SO SO PROUD OF OUR TEAM AND ALL MY TEAMMATES!

I dunno why but somehow thinking about those moments gave me the strength to run and continue running and i ran non stop till the end. Wad an achievement for a non sports person whose background would ALWAYS AND FOREVER remain in ELDDS and on stage :) I miss performing and i miss debatng. And I know even if i do it again in PJ, the feeling just wouldn't be the same without the same group of people doing it with me, the same spirit and the same drive to fight and win. I love you guys and I only miss you people even more after training on Sat. Haha.

I literally cried while typing this. Haha. I love Jurong and I dun feel embarassed going into PJ and when introducing myself, telling everyone that I was previously from Jurong. I dun. I should've just appealed into JJ rite? Shawn, slap me! Haha. Well, JJ or Jurong, the memories at Jurong dun change :) I am a dancer and a debator and that doesn't change :) My team doesn't change :)

Goodbye :)

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memoir :)

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